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Brief thoughts on how the automobile has changed America

This was the beginnings of my thesis on the future of human transportation. Please notice the vein of sarcasm begin to pulse.

The concept of suburbs is an American original. What are suburbs? They are the leftovers between urban and rural, with neither of their advantages. Suburbs are not in the middle of the city; you aren’t in the middle of all the action and events of the movers and shakers. Suburbs don’t have huge tracts of land. You cannot hunt, raise cattle, farm, or hold monster truck rallies in the suburbs. So why do we have suburbs? Because we have cars. Personal transportation allows Americans to go wherever they want, whenever they want. Forget public transportation, bicycles, or much worse, walking. Grab the keys and stick them in the ignition. The only limit to your travels is your fuel tank. Americans like the suburbs for a variety of reasons. They are better than the city because the drive home from work is longer. This gives us more time to talk on the cell phone, play our music loudly, and show off the affluence that is evident by our automobiles. Although carpooling or taking the bus saves fuel and money, a suburbanite would rather not miss out on the relaxing, pepeaceful joyride. Horn honking, finger flying, fist shaking, paved exhiliration. The suburbs are also better than the country. If one lived in the country, one would likely also work in the country. People who work outside in the dirty country cannot be as cool (just ask Corlito) as people who work in air-conditioned offices. They are inferior beings, because they sweat much and often don’t have college degrees. When the do, it is in fields such as “agriculture”. Besides, the world would go on without them.
The suburbs are the place to be, especially if you are a conservative White Anglo-Saxon Protestant. Pretty much the same as a WASP, a cWASP not only values his fair-skinned European ancestry, but also the moral protection granted to inhabitants of suburbia. First of all, middle-class people live in the suburbs. Middle-class people are the most grounded and morally sound of all. Unlike the country-club uber-rich and the trailer-park po-wite-trayash, middle-class suburbanites don’t do drugs, don’t get divorced, don’t kill people, aren’t depressed, aren’t addicted, and they go to church. Why would you want to raise your kids anywhere else besides the suburbs, when they will benefit from being protected from all the vices of society? I know my kids will grow up on the “right” side of the tracks. Just look how much it screwed up that guy from “8-Mile”.
Children in the suburbs have access to all the best influences in life: Cable TV, the Internet, corporate parents, and private schools. As you may know, these are the most effective teachers of all the finer points in life. You can learn about how important it is to always win and make money, no matter which underage laborers suffer for it. The government is usually right, except when it comes to taxes. Taxes only restrict you from buying more designer clothes. Republicans are the smartest politicians. Democrats are only out to tax you if you are successful in business. Besides, they support things like gay marriage, welfare, and social security. They are practically socialist, and we know America in no way wants to be associated with socialist ideals. Third-party candidates and independants: bored, rich, senile people who want to stand out and enjoy their fifteen minutes of fame. Most of them are illogical an only throw together loosely-strewn campaigns. Besides, they they’re not Republicans or Democrats, so they have no chance of being elected. Major news sources are the only ones you can trust. Rupert Murdoch and Ted Turner are the only guys you can trust for your news. Those small “inferior informers” are mostly liars. If they really had the good news, they’d be more popular. Being popular is not only good, it is an important skill to strive for. We should all try to be more like the popular people, especially through the clothes we wear and the way we treat others.
Moral of the story: America would be like all of those primitive, liberal, immoral countries if it weren’t for automobiles. We have sixteen lane highways, they have sixteen languages. They let sixteen-year-olds drink, but we only let them drive. Without cars, I don’t know where I’d be now. But one thing is for certain, I definitely wouldn’t be better off.

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